Steve Martin’s Cruel Shoes

MARCH 27, 2005

I just discovered that most of the text of Steve Martin’s out-of-print 1979 book Cruel Shoes is posted on The Compleat Steve, a Steve Martin fansite.

I’ve owned a tattered hardcover of this book since the mid-’80s, when, much like these guys, I was an adolescent Steve Martin fanatic.

The book was given to me by a fellow Martin fan named Liz. She apparently had a crush on me, because here is how she inscribed the book:

Hey Andrew!  
You sexy guy. You look marvelous. See ya next year. Have fun with Angie in yr.book.
Liz

Cruel Shoes is a collection of short absurdist bits with titles like “Women Without Bones,” “How to Fold Soup,” “What to Say When the Dogs Show Up,” and “The Gift of the Magi Indian Giver.” None of the pieces is more than a few hundred words long. A handful of the chapters, including the title piece, originated with Martin’s standup act; others originally appeared in Playboy and other magazines. I think the book has been out of print since the early ‘80s. You can find used copies on Amazon.

“She Had the Jugs” is the sort of piece that made me cackle with glee when I was about 14 or 15. Here it is, in its entirety:

SHE HAD THE JUGS

Yes, she was witty; she was intelligent. She was born of high station. She spoke and walked proudly. She was the kind who displayed nobility, who showed style and class. But above all, she had the jugs. 

Many people called her by her last name; some closer friends had a confidence with her and shared the intimacy of her first name. But to me, she was always “Lady jugs a-plenty.” 

It is true. She was clever and she was charming, but above all, she had the jugs.

The guy who maintains The Compleat Steve also maintains a blog where he posts news articles about Martin.